When we lose a loved one to suicide, we're not just left with the pain of their absence, we are also left to navigate the turbulent waters of complex grief. This type of bereavement can be overwhelming because it often involves feelings of responsibility, anger and guilt. We might feel angry at our loved one for “choosing” to leave us, or we might be angry at ourselves for not seeing the signs or for not doing more to help. Even small decisions, like putting our phone on silent, can haunt us if we think it might have made a difference in their final choice.
So, if you haven't grasped it yet, secondary loss refers to all the additional ways we feel the impact of losing someone beyond just the death itself. For many, it’s like losing a piece of our hearts, and for others, it can feel like losing a piece of our minds. Here’s how my father's suicide left me grappling with more than just grief:
The Ripple Effects of Loss
When someone takes their own life, the immediate pain and trauma are unbearable. But on top of the primary loss, there are secondary losses that can deepen the sorrow. These secondary losses might include:
Loss of a Sense of Safety: A suicide can shatter our sense of security and predictability. We might question our ability to trust our own judgment, feel less safe in our homes, and even struggle to trust others in our communities.
Loss of a Sense of Control: Suicide often feels sudden and unpredictable, leaving us feeling powerless. We might experience a profound sense of helplessness and an inability to protect those we love from harm.
Loss of a Sense of Meaning: The act of suicide can be deeply confusing and senseless. We might grapple with questions about why it happened and what it means for our lives, leading to feelings of emptiness and a loss of purpose.
Loss of Relationships: The impact of a loved one’s suicide can extend to our other relationships. Friends, family members, or even co-workers might distance themselves out of fear, shame, or their own struggle to cope with the loss.
Navigating Secondary Losses
Understanding these secondary losses is crucial in the grieving process. They are a normal part of mourning, and it takes time to come to terms with them. Seeking support from therapy, support groups, or talking with trusted friends and family can be incredibly helpful.
Remember, there’s no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s journey is different, and it’s essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions come up as you work through your grief.
Finding Healing
In conclusion, losing a loved one to suicide is a deeply painful experience that brings with it a host of secondary losses. Acknowledging and understanding these additional losses can help in the healing process. Seek support, give yourself the time and space to grieve, and remember that healing is a journey that unfolds over time.
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Love,
Aleksei and the team at Mourning Glory Club, a registered 501(c)3
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