Here's the thing about guilt after suicide loss: it's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Yet we carry it around like it's our job. We become Olympic-level mental gymnasts, convincing ourselves that somehow we could have seen it coming, stopped it, saved them. Spoiler alert: we couldn't.
I remember the days after losing my father, when guilt became my constant companion. Every memory turned into an accusation. Every past interaction became evidence in the case I was building against myself. "Why didn't I call more? Why didn't I see the signs? Why wasn't I enough?" The prosecution in my mind was relentless, and let me tell you, that bitch had receipts.
But here's what nobody tells you about guilt: it's actually grief wearing a disguise. It's our brain's way of trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. It's easier to blame ourselves than to accept the brutal reality that sometimes, we can't save the people we love – no matter how much we love them.
Forgiving our person? That's a whole other level of emotional acrobatics. We're angry at them for leaving, guilty for being angry, then guilty for being guilty. It's like an endless loop of emotional inception. But here's the truth bomb: they made their choice. A devastating, permanent choice that we now have to live with. We can love them and still be mad as hell at them. We can miss them desperately and still need to forgive them for the tsunami of pain they left in their wake.
And forgiving ourselves? Oh, that's the final boss battle of grief. But let me share something I learned the hard way: we were never meant to be their savior. We were meant to be their friend, their child, their parent, their sibling – not their keeper. We were loving them the best way we knew how, with the information we had at the time.
So how do we actually do this forgiveness thing? First, we have to accept that we're not time travelers with crystal balls. (If you are, we need to talk – I have some lottery numbers I'd like to discuss.) We were doing our best with our regular, non-superhero capabilities.
Second, we need to understand that forgiveness isn't a destination – it's more like a really annoying subscription service that auto-renews daily. Some days you'll feel at peace, others you'll be back in the guilt quicksand. Both are normal. Both are okay.
Finally, we need to realize that holding onto guilt won't bring them back. Trust me, I've tested this theory extensively. All it does is keep us stuck in a loop of self-punishment that they never asked for and wouldn't want for us.
Here's my challenge to you, fellow survivors: The next time guilt comes knocking, try thanking it. Yes, you read that right. Thank it for trying to protect you, for trying to make sense of the senseless, for trying to give you control over the uncontrollable. Then gently remind it that you're not accepting deliveries of self-blame today.
Remember, you're not alone in this. We're all here, doing our best to navigate this mess, occasionally stubbing our emotional toes on guilt-furniture in the dark. But maybe, just maybe, we can learn to forgive – both them and ourselves – not because we've figured it all out, but because carrying this guilt was never meant to be our life's work.
After all, we're still here. And that means we have a choice: we can let guilt write our story, or we can write our own – complete with plot twists, character development, and yes, even some inappropriate humor along the way.
Because sometimes the best way to honor their memory isn't by punishing ourselves for what we couldn't change, but by living fully in spite of it. Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when guilt tries to convince us we don't deserve to.
Spoiler alert: We do deserve to. And so did they.
[Note: If you're struggling with guilt after suicide loss, know that you're not alone. Reach out to our community at Mourning Glory Club on Facebook or schedule a free 15 minute consultation by filling in the form on the home page – we get it and we've got your back.]
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Love,
Aleksei and the team at Mourning Glory Club, a registered 501(c)3
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